Open Heart Surgery

I know, I know. I has been way too long. I'm sorry. It's not because God hasn't been working...more like He has been doing too much to keep up with and too wonderfully to articulate. However, this work he has been doing hasn't been easy. It's been more like a slow, painful, and much-needed surgery.

An open heart surgery.

We all have those locked doors in our hearts. Those areas of our life or sins that we are unwilling to give up. It's like we think we will be better off keeping it hidden rather than surrendering it to a loving, caring, and perfect God. Don't you dare get me wrong...I am still working on it...very slowly.

This past month has been somewhat of a rollercoster, and if I knew what God was doing in my life I would tell you. But I don't. Infact, I have taken this unwanted rollercoster, unfortunately, and pushed myself away from my Creator. Instead of seeing this time of pain and lonliness as an opportunity to bask in the presence of my God, I have run. It has only been within this night, this moment, that I have stopped running.

stopped. listened. cried.

Tonight I found a picnic table slightly elevated above part of the beautiful castle property. You see, for our devos tonight we were given some time to spend with God. Some time to rest in him. We all need this time. I went and laid across this table that I am now sitting at and when I looked up I began to cry. The sky was so clear and the stars my God created, so bright! In that moment, I was honest with God. I questioned these trials. I told him what I was angry with. What I didn't understand. I told him I was ready to be changed more.

I laid on this table as a patient would lay before a doctor. The Great Physician. The lover of my soul. I told him I wanted an open heart surgery. Granted, I know it will be painful.

But I know I needed it.

At this moment, I still have those things in my heart that I want to hide or don't want to give up. I know it's going to be a process of God teaching me how to trust him with all my desires and fears.

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?

~ Jeremiah 17:9

Pray for me as I begin the process of learning to love my Savior with ALL MY HEART

From my heart to yours...